best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
