I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
