Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
