You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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