I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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