Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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