So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Come share oat with me in your robe
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
