Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
