hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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