He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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