ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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