I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
