thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Less talking, more tequila
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
do nipples grow back?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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