How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
pray to the hookup gods
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
