I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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