I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
