You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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