I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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