saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i barfeds in our rink
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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