Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
