Why are handjobs necessary in class?
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
