I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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