As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
