I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
