I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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