We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
