Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You are the jesus of drinking
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
