Girls should come with a carfax report
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
