Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Randomize
