I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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