sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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