I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
