Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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