He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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