Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
