Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
