She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
