Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
