I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
