Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
