I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
