I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
