I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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