Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
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