Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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