News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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