So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize