i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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