My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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