My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
