final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
