You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
