I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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