Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
