And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
