They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Everclear isn't food dammit
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
