mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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