If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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